i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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