I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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