i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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