So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
