We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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