11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?