one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
