I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
