What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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