am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
