I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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