Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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