Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
