Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
