Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
