lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
