see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
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Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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