I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
