There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
