Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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