How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
