Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
