You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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