My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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