she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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