Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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