i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
