Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
operation harelip BJ is a go
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
