Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
