Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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