Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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