and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
