That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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