I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My vagina just clenched in fear
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
