Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
