I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
