dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize