I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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