He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
