Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
