the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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