Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
