You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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