im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
i think im in europe. pls send help
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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