FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
