Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
