no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
