not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
