ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
