He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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