Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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