In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
