I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
