Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
