Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
