the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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