Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
