im having a threesome with these popsicles
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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